The Complexity Of Insane Simplicity

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 15:27:25 GMT

For all of you that still follow this journal... dont, i dont write in it anymore, and ihavent.... i only write in my other one, so if you want to follow me, read that one...

Cocaine? No, Just me....

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 18:22:49 GMT

This trip has been hard, very hard. not knowing what is going on with me, not knowing who i am , where i am, any of that. it is hard. Anthony is worried. Very worried. He says im acting like im on cocaine, but i guess the meds will do that, but i dont see it. I dont know. its just hard. insomnia, and confusion, but at least the cutting has stopped... for now. when he gets here he will help me, help me fight a drug addiction, to something they did. Figures. i fight all my addictions,a nd the things that are supposed to make me better, make me worse. I feel like im becoming anorexic, but i just dont eat, i guess you cant be anorexic if you dont consciously choose not to eat? i dont know. things are bad. it all weird. weird, and bad, and confusing. No wonder he thinks in on coke.

Thu, 25 May 2006 20:05:28 GMT

too much to do too little time... and of course im a bitch for being stressed

The Memory

Wed, 17 May 2006 03:12:51 GMT

The memory
Of everything
Or everyone
Makes me think this
Why am I still here
How did I make it this far?
Why am I not spread amongst this world in ashes
Why am I not bled dry?
And I dont have an answer
I never have answers
So as I sit at these crossroads I think to myself
Where is kim when I need her
To tell me how to go
How to run and where
Where is everyone that got out
Each one that has died
Each one that has cried
Where are they now?
Gone from my sight and anger
To a place safe from here
Safe from me
And my stability

Sun, 07 May 2006 18:09:50 GMT

Havent been able to write much been hella busy and shit. Its cool though, things are going really well. Work is good, looks like ill perm soon, and i get to spend the weekend with my sisters next week, so thatll be cool.

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 12:44:34 GMT

well shes gone, and that is that! heres to new beginnings

Now its my turn to write a fuck you post

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 15:03:50 GMT

someone that i used to have such respect for. You make me laugh that you think you can use MY knife for YOUR pity episode. You think that by saying all these horrible things that you could never feel that someone will come to your rescue, too bad its not a rescue. there is one thing in this world that i hate, and its people that make stereotypes true. i have to fight everyday to prove to people that cutters dont all do it for attention. and then there is people like you that decide to prove people right again. So let me ask you, if you wanted to die so badm why did you stop at 12 EXPIRED tylenol? why did you only drink the vodka? and why didnt you take the kitchen knives that you know are a hell of a lot sharper, and rip open your veins? becuase you didnt mean it, you just wnated to fucking attention you fucking attention whore! Sit there and say Aja does everything for attention, well you arent much better. you are so lucky that i wasnt home, becuase i would ahve locked your ass up so fucking fast. you want to play big girl games, you will pay the consequences. do you realize that there are people that are ill, that need the help, while you cry wolf? Do you know how bad you would sit in your room and cry out of fear, and pain, becuase 4 north is not a fun place to be. you are not a kid, you dont go to kiddy hospital, you go up there with the fucked up people that actually have problems they cant handle. but then again you dont have to really worry, cuz had i been home you wouldnthave pulled the shit.

Going into MY room for MY knife, and MY vodka, how dare you. How dare you set foot into my room where i h ave sanctioned it safe from that kind of behavior, and you taint it. I should show you the real scars, show you the pain and anguish i had to endure becuase my issues are real. Your issues are nothing more than a daddy complex, where all you want is for someone to "love" you, and take care of you, and no one can do that. No not becuase you cant find the right person, but because you push people to their edges, and get off on it. you are and emotional abuser of every person that ever cared for you,a nd that is why next time you pull this shit, and think its not a big deal, you will do it more next time, and hopefully you slip and cut a tendon,and have to sit there and watch yourself die becuase no one will come to your rescue. you had so many outlets, so many people that could help you if you really need it, but you wont take the help, and thats your choice. Be depressed, im not saying your not. But pull that petty bullshit again, and you will see how it feels to be strapped to a bed in an ambulance, and locked up. I should show you how a real person looks when they are fighting with their life, i should show you it all.

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 14:33:42 GMT

So ihavent been writing in here because i ihave been using my other journal more. too many, how shall i put this, fucked up people are reading my journal, and i dont want to deal with their bullshit. So i just do what i know best, hide.
My birthday is sunday, so i get to spend my birthdya with my family on easter, but i guess it could be worse, it could be my moms father and the evil step witch. but luckily i dont have to do that.
we're supposed to be having a party tonight, and we were supposed to have one tomorrow at my moms but that got pushed back to next week..... so we'll see. ill update after the weekend

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 04:49:35 GMT

these tears burn
but what does it matter
the burning stops eventually
when it hits the ice within my soul
the cold dead part of me
the part that i run to
each time i feel like this
living blindly of the betrayal happening before me
living blindly
crying doesnt help you dear
nothing will
how many times ive heard this
from everyone i ever loved
that it wont help me now
there is no help for me now
no help
and that is that i guess
there is no alternate
no different ending
or somewhere to run
there is only this
this endless tornado of tormoil
hate pain and anger
hurt tears and sorrow
silence
crying in silence
so no one wil hear
that i have lost it again
once again
nevermore

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 04:37:40 GMT

am i wrong to wonder?

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 23:54:00 GMT

All i want is a life where i have a steady job, can pay my bills, and be with someone that loves me. So far i have a shaky job, i am in debt, and anthony and i fight more than we talk. 2 nights in a row now we have gone to bed mad at eachother, or at least aggravated. All i want is for him to love me. But lately, i cant say one word to him without him taking it wrong or thinking im yelling or accusing him of something. IM just fucking sick of this. I want a relationship, not a battle. I just wish things could be back to how they were, but they cant. He will never be the same. He will never be my baby that i grew to love, he will never be happy again. He will just be this person, that, dont get me wrong, i do still love, but now it has to be from a distance. He is too unpredicatable, and i have to keep myself on my toes, to make sure i dont get hurt again,
I am going to oregon for the weekend and hopefully things willbe ok. I dont want to fight all weekend.... and i sure as hell dont want to fight around my dad.

I just dont know what to do anymore
i just dont know
i dont

the last, the first, the forever

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 20:55:30 GMT

I am sick. I am dying, and no one and nothing can save me. This plague will consume me, and then it will be over. The ideas and sights, the thought that they are chasing me, and tht i can see them everywhere, i know its true. they have been sent to kill me. Although no one else can see them, they are there. I am not crazy, just sick. Sick and dying, slowly, as i go insane. As some ask what is wrong, or what i see, i can not say. the words, the idea of expression just leaves me. I can only lay down, and let the world contibue to spin. I do feel better when i dont have to balance, but as he leans over me to check on me, and asks if im better, i can only say yes, becuase i can not see him, or anything around me. Its all sound. The screams dont bother me anymore, but knowing that i am hurting people without even hearing what i am saying, it kills me. I once thought i could get better, but that is before i became sick to the point, that i cant even say there is something wrong. this is what i know, i have grouwn to know it and be it, and that is my life. My life of spinning circles, and invisible love....
invisible.... because i dont even know who i am anymore

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 19:43:58 GMT

What happened to the days that iw ould write in here 3 or 4 times a day? What happened to the times when i used to actually be able to spill my soul out to everyone, to let everyone know the pain and tourment i suffered? What happened to me?
Did this medication really make me turn into some droid? Did it kill me inside, and just get rid of everything i ever was? Or is it me? Did i do this?
I dont even know anymore. I dont know what i want in life, i dont know what i want to do with my life, and i dont know how i am goign to get there. I used to know exactly what i wanted, where i wanted to be, what i wanted to do. What my life was. BUt now, all day these sights and thoughts and sounds that plafue my mind is all i can do. Live in a world of things that arent real. Live here where the only thing that i know is real is the thought of tearing myslef to pieces. I know that is realy, becuase i can feel it and i know it. Its always been part of me. I was staying strong for him, trying not to let it happen so he wouldnt fall, and i failed, and so did he. I sit here na think that if i went back to the mutilative little girl i always was, if he could handle it. Could he handle me cuitting my heart out and handing it to him? Could he take it?
That shouldnt matter. My life should not revolve around someone else, it should revolve around what i want to be, who i want to be. It should right now be about surviving, getting meds straight, paying my debts, all of that. It should be getting better, and its not.

Everyone thinks im doing so much better, but little do they all know that each vein and scar burns through out the day, and that i am killing mysle finside slowly, just so they wont be hurt. Little do they all know that i am still obsessed with death, , and mine specificall;y, and little do they klnow, that i will kill myslef in the end.

Too many months of rape and abuse, i cant take it any longer
Where can you hide when everyone is watching? In a grave.

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 20:55:00 GMT

I really dont kn ow all of what is going on anymore. I just dont know how i make it through each of these days feeling like i do. Im isck of being this. Im sick of seeing this. Im sick of this. sick of it all

Sat, 18 Feb 2006 21:26:05 GMT

well i guess anthony has given up on us and himself, but i knew that was going to happen. I knew that all this bullshit we both said about us getting better, and keeping a positive attitude was exactly that. Bullshit.

NOw im just waiting for him to call me and tell me its over. Im waiting for him to realize that ia m what is killing him, nad that he should just leave me.

Its all a waiting game now.

going to rocky tonight cuz natasha is going to be there....
courtney is supposed to be there too.... hope she doesnt try to start shit, cuz im in the mood to kick some ass right now.

time to be medicated now

yay pills

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 00:53:35 GMT

around and around we go, where we will stop only i know....

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 05:42:28 GMT

i wont write in here my pain or sorrow, my feelings, nothing. No more will i do that. I am on my own to get this done, get it straight, or die trying.
the latter is more likely

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 06:01:55 GMT

I am in the dark, and falling hard. Anthony is not answering the phone... and im lost. the voices the feelings, the rage... its all building up. and now i dont k now if i can do this anymore. Its been so long.....
and the pain.....
i cant hold out....
i need relief............................................................................................................................
and then im done

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 04:17:10 GMT

The one time that i am trying to be nice. the one day that i thought maybe we could come home and just be ourselves, and all this bullshit ahs to happen. im so ficking sick of this. im sick of the fighting, and not being able to ahve a real relationship... i dont know what the fuck to do anymore. i just dont know. Obviuosly im not helping him get better, and in turn, im not getting better, but i guess i already knew that was going to happen. i am doing my best to be supportive, but there is only so much i can do... i dont know. i know what i can do to feel better... i have two options.. question is, is either one really goingt op make any of this better? No, not really, and i know that. But i guess i will just have to sit here and watch hims uffer, and know that there is nothing i can do,a nd i am only making him worse, and that our relationshiip falling apart is my fault. If i could only stop doing whatever it is that pisses him off, if only i could be a good girlfriend.... alright that decides it, i gotta do something....
so much for being better

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 05:19:52 GMT

well now i guess its my turn to write while hes in the other room. i dont know, i guess i just dont get it. All it seems like now, is that everytime i say that i dont want to do something, he gets all upset. Or he cant be near me, or touch me without turning it into something sexual now. I just dont understnad. Oh well, i guess if i want us to be happy, im just ognna have to start being in the mood. I dont knoe. I just dont fucking know anymore. I'm going to sleep now, and maybe he wont get mad again... maybe i can just kepp him happy. heres to hoping.

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 01:24:40 GMT

he sats he wants to be with me, and wants to change, and wants this and that, and then does nothing to fucking do it! If he really wanted to make me happy, he would stop all this bullshit. When hes not here, hes upset cuz hes alone, when he is here, hes mad at me for some reason, and then he goes out of his way to wait for me not to be in the car to holler at girls! Sure its ok to look, but to go out of your way to say something! yhe wouldnt have done that if i was in the car, but i guess its ok, because what i dont know wont hurt me. What else so i not know, that will probably hurt me? He swears like i feel better that he was with his friends when he was drunk and stoned, but he has made it clear to me that his friends dont like me, so why would they stop him form doing something dumb, or even tell him if he didnt remember for that matter. whatever. he says he wants my trust, tyhen why the hell doesnt he try to earn it? I can only take so much of this, and this might just be the turning point. he wants to act like this all the time, fine. Ill do it too, so maybe he can see how him "just fucking sitting here" makes me feel. I didnt want it to have to be thuis way, but sometimes you arent grateful for what you have til you cant have it. Maybe he will be grateful for my understnading and caring after he sees what its like to be treated the way he treats me. I have no remorse, and he wnts to talk to me like im his fucking bitch instead of his fiance, then fine, let him. I just dont fucking care anymore. Time to Drink!

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 07:06:20 GMT

I dont even know what to do anymore. I gave him an ultimatum in a way, and either he didnt get it, or he just doesnt care. i will not live like this anymore. I will not be in a relationship that I am constantly fighting, and crying. Im sick of those relationships. It was supposed to be different. Things are supposed to be good this time. But then why is he always like this. i mean damn,i know he doeant like cole, but if he cares about me, he should fucking get over it, and be my boyfriend, not my fucking enemy. i shouldnt have to defend myself every time i talk. im sick of it. if things dont change, its done. i told him if this didnt stop, i couldnt be with him, but i guess like i said he doesnt understnad or he doesnt fucking care. Either way, im screwed, and well, thats my life story. May god kill me for who i am, if i believed in him.

Going back to the party to put on a smile and pretend i am happily engaged, and will be getting married with a stable, healthy relationship. And this shot is to ignorance.

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 06:04:47 GMT

it might as well be over. I guess that this is going to be the end for what i thought was gong to be the best relationship in my life. anthony has given up on me, and us, and well, that is that i guess. its sad, that the one person i love most in this world can just shut me out like he does. But oh well, i guess this is my good bye too. he will go home and walk out that door, and walk away from me for the last time. Im out of this hell. I live for him, na dnow that he is giving up, i no longer live. Im done. I fight these tears, cuz i cant let him see me crash. Its not his fault, but he will blame himself. Thats it... this is good bye. as soon as i am alone, the world will be black.
Good night all
and a great farewell

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 23:46:20 GMT

Its hard to really think anymore. i mean things were getting better for me, and then they all crashed again. Only slipped once so far, so im back to the beginning. 4 days and going strong? Strong? Yeah right. Im not strong, i never have been, and i never will be. I am a weakling, and that is that,

Screw this life

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 01:01:38 GMT

Can you ever get away from everything? I feel like no matter what i do, i cant get away from these things that are drowning me. i am drowning in my own air. i am being suffocated, and i cant breathe. this world is so cruel, but i already knew that!

New meds, will make it better

pills
pills
pills
pills

they fix everything right?