The Complexity Of Insane Simplicity
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
I wasn't even mad. With how he had been feeling I was worried. I held him until he passed out. He said to me this is the same look you always give me when I get home from the bars. Of course it is, anytime he is drunk im cautious. It's not his fault. I just haven't fully healed. But why should I be left out? He had multiple seizures today. But they decided without even talking to me, to go out and leave me. Have a great time, go swimming. And what did I do? Sit here. Be worried and throw up. Oh but at least I get to do what I want tomorrow. Depending I guess. I fight going because we always fight. I just don't want to fight anymore.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Ok, I get it. He isn't mad at me. I can move past that and.not push. But why does he have to be so angry? Doesn't he understand that being so harsh and rude and short with me still takes a toll even if it's not me he is mad about. Isn't it always him that says that sitting and focusing on being angry only makes it worse? Why cant he seem.to ever take his own advice. I hate having to guess if I'm supposed to leave him alone, hold him, or what. When he gets angry like today it scares me. So bad. The last time he was this twisted up was when he ended up in the hospital. I don't want to be in his way abd get hurt again. I just don't know what to do anymore. He never seems happy. Even when we are naked and sweaty, as soon as we are done he is angry again. It hurts my heart. Makes me want to cry for him to see him in so much pain. I just love him so much. I don't want to watch this spiral.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
I'm going crazy. No hiding it anymore, it's out of control
Friday, May 1, 2015
9:34AM - cant
I just cant handle this. I cant handle how angry he gets. maybe mike was right, ill never make a good wife. i should just leave everyone alone. Make sure the kids are taken care of, and then just be done. whats the point anymore. sure he loves me, but not enough to open up to me. he promised he wouldnt leave, yet he threatens it becuase he knows how bad it hurts me. he says he is going to save me, not like this he isnt. im not savable. nothing but a waste of space and breath. im done. i just cant handle my psychosis anymore, and now i have lost the only person that might understand or care. i knew i would screw it up/ why did i want to rush? because i wanted to know he was mine. even if it didnt last, i needed to know before i died that at some point i had my true happiness. too bad i just couldnt walk away when i should have, and none of this would have happened.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
this is one of those nights that I wish I could call whenever I wanted
Sunday, August 10, 2014
maybe you are right. maybe I'm too needy
Sunday, August 3, 2014
10:27PM - good night.
good night my love. I can't call you because jenny is there. but just know I love you abd I'm thinking of you. I'll see you in my dreams
Sunday, July 27, 2014
"and if you have a minute, why don't we go. talk about it some where only we know."
I wish I could sleep at 2am. I miss you.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
had an absolutely amazing day yesterday. never thought. by far the hardest, yet most rewarding hike of my life. I'll never forget making it up to that tree.
Monday, July 21, 2014
3:27PM - If you read this
know that i still love you. i am here for you. call me text me, doesnt matter. just let me know you are ok
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Sunday, December 22, 2013
I miss you today. I miss you everyday. but I miss you today. driving through our old neighborhood. life could have been great
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
i go in for surgery today. im not sure i want to wake up. but im afraid of what will happen to my kids if i dont
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Why do I even check this anymore. I know you are gone forever
Wednesday, July 5, 2006
For all of you that still follow this journal... dont, i dont write in it anymore, and ihavent.... i only write in my other one, so if you want to follow me, read that one...
Friday, June 23, 2006
11:22AM - Cocaine? No, Just me....
This trip has been hard, very hard. not knowing what is going on with me, not knowing who i am , where i am, any of that. it is hard. Anthony is worried. Very worried. He says im acting like im on cocaine, but i guess the meds will do that, but i dont see it. I dont know. its just hard. insomnia, and confusion, but at least the cutting has stopped... for now. when he gets here he will help me, help me fight a drug addiction, to something they did. Figures. i fight all my addictions,a nd the things that are supposed to make me better, make me worse. I feel like im becoming anorexic, but i just dont eat, i guess you cant be anorexic if you dont consciously choose not to eat? i dont know. things are bad. it all weird. weird, and bad, and confusing. No wonder he thinks in on coke.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
too much to do too little time... and of course im a bitch for being stressed
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
8:12PM - The Memory
Makes me think this
Why am I still here
How did I make it this far?
Why am I not spread amongst this world in ashes
Why am I not bled dry?
And I dont have an answer
I never have answers
So as I sit at these crossroads I think to myself
Where is kim when I need her
To tell me how to go
How to run and where
Where is everyone that got out
Each one that has died
Each one that has cried
Where are they now?
Gone from my sight and anger
To a place safe from here
Safe from me
And my stability
Sunday, May 7, 2006
Havent been able to write much been hella busy and shit. Its cool though, things are going really well. Work is good, looks like ill perm soon, and i get to spend the weekend with my sisters next week, so thatll be cool.
Navigate: (Previous 20 entries)